How To Love Like Christ Without Being Used

If you’ve ever felt guilty for saying no, even when you’re exhausted, this conversation is for you. We’re digging into one of the hardest tensions in Christian living: how to show real charity without being taken advantage of, and how to love like Jesus Christ without losing yourself in endless demands. 

We start with a simple but freeing idea: charity is not people pleasing. The pure love of Christ doesn’t mean letting others misuse you, ignoring unhealthy patterns, or saying yes out of fear. Jesus loved perfectly, and He also held boundaries. He taught and healed, He corrected when needed, He withdrew to pray, and sometimes He walked away. That example gives us permission to pursue Christlike service that leads to spiritual strength instead of burnout. 

We also talk about enabling versus helping, and why “rescuing” can sometimes block growth. God honors agency, allows consequences to teach, and invites us to seek wisdom, not just react to pressure. That’s where boundaries and personal revelation come in. When someone asks for help, we can pray and ask what God wants, then choose a response that blends love with truth, compassion with accountability, and mercy with a sound mind. 

If you want practical gospel-centered guidance on boundaries, Christian service, and healthy discipleship, listen now. Subscribe, share this with someone who needs relief, and leave a review telling us: where do you most need wisdom to match your love?

Transcript

Charity Without Being Walked Over

SPEAKER_00 0:33

Here we go again. What's up, everybody? And welcome back to Todd Talk Spirit by Design. You know, today we're talking about something that we all wrestle with. How do we get charity? But how to love Christ without being walked all over? You know, you've probably felt it that you give and give and give, and you just feel like people take and take and take, like you're a dormant, like your charity is just being walked all over. How do you live a life full of charity without becoming a dormant? That's what we're going to talk about today. So this is something that a lot of disciples of Christ wrestle with. Somewhere along the way, many Christians begin believing that saying no somehow means that you're not Christ-like. I know that my wife has struggled with this a lot over the years. People take and take and take, and saying no is difficult. You're exhausted. If you're constantly being taken advantage of, if you're carrying everybody else's burdens, you're not really living the higher law. Um that's what a lot of people think. That if if they do everything, if they wear themselves out doing, doing, doing for everybody else at the expense of yourself, that that is somehow Christ-like and Christian. But that's not what Jesus thought. What is it that Jesus taught about charity? So today I want to suggest something different that charity is not weakness, it's not enabling, it's not abandoning wisdom, it's becoming like Christ. Christ's life lived perfectly and he loved perfectly. He didn't compromise truth, he didn't compromise the rules that he set up. He didn't compromise boundaries.

What Jesus Shows About Boundaries

SPEAKER_00 2:53

So let's start with one of the most quoted scriptures on charity. Charity is the pure love of Christ and it endureth forever. Moroni 747. Notice what Mormon doesn't say in that scripture. He doesn't say charity is people pleasing. He doesn't say charity means never disappointing someone. He doesn't say charity is letting people misuse you, abuse you, take advantage of you. He says charity is the pure love of Christ. When we study Christ's life, it wasn't controlled by the expectations of other people, was he? If you think of Christ, what do you think? You think of him sitting, teaching, inviting, but never giving in to what other people are doing. He called people to repentance. He literally threw the money changers out of the temple with a whip. Sometimes he healed, sometimes he taught, sometimes he corrected, like I just said, with a whip. And sometimes he just walked away. Think about this. After performing incredible miracles, Jesus often withdrew into the wilderness to pray. Even the Savior recognized the need to step away from constant demands because people, once they knew what he could do, they wanted. They demand it. They need it. That's why you had four, five thousand people following him, demanding his attention. That can get exhausting. President Thomas El S. Monson taught, never let a problem be solved. To be solved become more important than a person to be loved. I love that. That's beautiful.

When Help Becomes Enabling

SPEAKER_00 4:55

But notice loving people doesn't mean allowing unhealthy patterns to continue. Let me ask you something. Have you ever helped someone, only to realize later that your help is actually keeping them from growing? Parents experience this, leaders' experiences, friends' experience this, heck Tiffany and I have experienced this many times. Sometimes rescuing isn't the right answer. It becomes enabled. The Lord Himself allows us to experience consequences because consequences teach. Consequences teach. The scriptures say for it must needs be that there is an opposition in all things. Growth comes through agency, through struggle, through learning. Sometimes I would say it's better to learn from other people's mistakes, but often as humans, we need to learn from our own mistakes. I mean, just this last trip, Captain and I made a couple of mistakes and we learned from them. It happens. You learn from what you do or what you get wrong. If Heavenly Father removed every consequence from our lives, we would never become like him. President Dalin H. Oaks taught our Savior's emphasis on loving our neighbor should never be interpreted as approving or condoning sin. Love seeks another person's eternal happiness, not merely their personal comfort. Sometimes the most loving answer is not yes. It's not giving in. It's not bailing someone out when they're struggling. Sometimes love says, I believe you're capable of figuring this out or doing this yourself.

Wise And Harmless Together

SPEAKER_00 7:06

And that's where the word boundaries comes in. Some people don't think boundaries belongs in the gospel, but it really does. Boundaries are important. Who created them? God did. The commandments that we follow, those are boundaries. Temple covenants are sacred boundaries. Agency itself requires boundaries to work. Jesus said, be therefore wise as serpents and harmless as doves. Matthew 10, 16. He didn't say, be naive. He didn't say trust everyone. He said, be wise and harmless. Those two qualities belong together. President Russell M. Nelson has repeatedly taught that truth and love are inseparable. In one address, he said, the pure love of Christ is the answer to divisions, hatred, and contention that plague our world. I would say all of those plague our world and are getting worse. Christ-like love does not ignore truth. It is anchored in it. Boundaries aren't barriers to love. They're guardrails that allow love to flourish. And I knew a family that they caused a rift in the family because one part of the family wanted boundaries, and the other did not know what those meant. Now I'm sure there were many other, many other things that happened, but eventually it broke the family apart. Because boundaries are a requirement. Christ-like love requires boundaries. Otherwise, one side gets exhausted from overhelping, stepping in, being used, abused, stepped on.

Fear Is Behind People Pleasing

SPEAKER_00 9:30

Can I be honest with you? I don't think most people struggle with charity. I think they struggle with fear. Fear of disappointing someone. Fear that they'll be upset. Fear that they'll stop liking us. Oh no. So we keep saying yes. We keep giving in. We keep giving of ourselves even when we're exhausted and have nothing left to give. Even when the spirit is whispering, stop. You're not helping. The Apostle Paul reminds us, God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1.7. You catch that? Power, love, and a sound mind. Those three things go together. Love without wisdom becomes enabling. Wisdom without love becomes harshness. Christ had both. So President Jeffrey R. Holland taught Christ-like love is the greatest need we have on this planet because righteousness was always supposed to accompany. Notice what he said: love and righteousness, mercy and truth, compassion and accountability. Those go together.

Revelation For When To Help

SPEAKER_00 10:55

So one of the greatest gifts of the restored gospel is personal revelation. James taught, if any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God. James 1, 5. Joseph Smith acted on that invitation. Because of that prayer, the restoration began. That same principle applies today. When someone asks for help, don't just ask yourself, what do they want? Ask Heavenly Father, what would you have me do? Find out what He wants you to do. Because we don't always know. Sometimes, what we think, when we think we're healthy, we're enabled. And the Lord's telling us, don't do it. Don't do it. Other times, when we think it's too much, the Lord tells us, help this time. President Henry B. Irene said, as you prayerfully consider how you how to serve others, the Lord will guide you. Sometimes that guidance is to help. Sometimes it's to wait. Sometimes it's to teach instead of to rescue. True charity isn't measured by how much you give away. It's measured by how much you help someone become more like Christ. Paul taught in 1 Corinthians 13 3, though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing. Charity Charity isn't simply giving. It's giving with Christ-like intent. It's helping in Christ-like ways. President David A. Bednar taught that the Savior's ministry was about helping people become, not merely helping them receive. Too many people help people receive. Look at the government. The government has been giving charity for 50 years, 60 years. And not only has it not helped to get people out of poverty, in many ways it's made it worse. This is because the old adage,

Helping People Become Like Christ

SPEAKER_00 13:20

if you give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day and he'll come back for another fish. So it's a profound difference between helping someone become versus just giving. We're not saying don't solve the problem. We're not just trying to solve the problem. We're helping people come into Christ. That's the whole purpose of Christ-like charity. Sometimes that means serving, sometimes that means listening, sometimes that means setting boundaries and taking a step back and allowing someone to exercise their agency and struggle.

Rest Instead Of Burnout And Closing

SPEAKER_00 14:16

In Matthew 11, 28, Jesus said, Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavily laden, and I will give you rest. Jesus invites us to find rest in him. Not exhaustion, not burnout, not resentment. If your service continually leaves you spiritually empty, it may be time to prayerfully ask whether you've been carrying burdens the Lord never asked you to carry. Remember, you can be kind without being controlled. You can forgive without removing accountability. You can love deeply without losing yourself. That's exactly how the Savior loves us. Fully, deeply. He offers grace, truth, he honors agency, he invites change, and he never stops loving us. That is charity. Not charity with chains, but charity with Christ at the center. Thank you for listening to another Todd Talk Spirit by Desire. If today's episode resonated with you, share it with someone who may be carrying burdens they were never meant to carry alone. Charity is the pure love of Christ. Charity never fail. Charity does not mean exhausting yourself. Charity sometimes means stepping back. Pray for personal revelation that you will know how to help others. Until next time, remember discipleship isn't about pleasing everyone. It's about following Jesus Christ with both love and wisdom. God bless you, and I'll see you in the next episode. As always, have a nice day.